Imagine
by John Lennon
Imagine there's no heaven It's easy if you try No hell below us Above us only sky Imagine all the people Living for today... Aha-ah...
Imagine there's no countries It isn't hard to do Nothing to kill or die for And no religion, too Imagine all the people Living life in peace... You...
You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one I hope someday you'll join us And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions I wonder if you can No need for greed or hunger A brotherhood of man Imagine all the people Sharing all the world... You...
You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one I hope someday you'll join us And the world will live as one
The physiology of self compassion
Written by Dr. Kristin Neff
For the past decade or so I’ve been conducting research on self-compassion, and have found that people who are compassionate to themselves are much less likely to be depressed, anxious, and stressed, and are much more likely to be happy, resilient, and optimistic about their future. In short, they have better mental health.
The power of self-compassion is not just an idea – it’s very real and actually manifests in our bodies. When we soothe our own pain we are tapping into the mammalian care-giving system. And one important way the care-giving system works is by triggering the release of oxytocin. Research indicates that increased levels of oxytocin strongly increase feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity, and connectedness, and facilitates the ability to feel warmth and compassion for ourselves. Oxytocin is released in a variety of social situations, including when a mother breastfeeds her child, when parents interact with their young children, or when someone gives or receives a soft, tender caress. Because thoughts and emotions have the same effect on our bodies whether they’re directed to ourselves or to others, this research suggests that self-compassion may be a powerful trigger for the release of oxytocin.
Self-criticism appears to have a very different effect on our body. The amygdala is the oldest part of the brain, and is designed to quickly detect threats in the environment. When we experience a threatening situation, the fight-or-flight response is triggered: The amygdala sends signals that increases blood pressure, adrenaline, and the hormone cortisol, mobilizing the strength and energy needed to confront or avoid a threat. Although this system was designed by evolution to deal with physical attacks, it is activated just as readily by emotional attacks. By ourselves or others. Recent research indicates that generating feelings of self-compassion actually decreases our cortisol levels. In one study conducted by Helen Rockliff and her colleagues, researchers asked participants to imagine receiving compassion and feeling it in their bodies. Every minute they were told things like “Allow yourself to feel that you are the recipient of great compassion; allow yourself to feel the loving- kindness that is there for you.” It was found that the participants given these instructions had lower cortisol levels after the imagery than those in the control group. Participants also demonstrated increased heart rate variability afterwards. The safer people feel, the more open and flexible they can be in response to their environment, and this is reflected in how much their heart rate varies in response to stimuli. So you could say that by giving themselves compassion, participants’ hearts actually opened and became less defensive.
When we soothe our painful feelings with the healing balm of self-compassion, not only are we changing our mental and emotional experience, we’re also changing our body chemistry. An effective aspect of self-compassion practice, therefore, is to tap into our body’s self-healing system through physical sensations.
This means that an easy way to calm and comfort yourself when you’re feeling badly is through soothing touch. It seems a bit silly at first, but your body doesn’t know that. It just responds to the physical gesture of warmth and care, just as a baby responds to being held in its mother’s arms. Remember, physical touch releases oxytocin, reduces cortisol and calms cardiovascular stress. So why not try it? If you notice that you’re feeling tense, upset, or self-critical, try giving yourself a warm hug, or tenderly stroking your arm or face, or gently rocking your body. What’s important is that you make a clear gesture that conveys feelings of love, care, and tenderness. If other people are around, you can often fold your arms in a non-obvious way, gently squeezing yourself in a comforting manner. Notice how your body feels after receiving the hug or caress. Does it feel warmer, softer, calmer? It’s amazing how easy it is to tap into mammalian caregiving system and change your bio-chemical experience.
Shared with permission of author her website can be found at the following: Self-Compassion
Indecision
Sometimes we are faced with a life challenge that freezes us in our path. We are uncertain what to do and how to proceed. If we are mindful we weigh all our options to try and figure out the best way forward. Sometimes the answer seems clear and other times we are parayzed by fear and confusion. Depending on the question at hand sometimes there can be an element of urgency which can heighten our anxiety and make coming up with a solution much more challenging. You might fear that if you choose one direction it may mean that you are leaving behind another.
In moments like this waiting for the “perfect solution” or direction can be agonizing. Let's take a look at this hypothetical scenario: You are the major breadwinner for your young family but are feeling bored and unfulfilled in your current job. You've always liked writing and drawing and fantasized of someday possibly being an artist or author. In your free time you enjoy journaling, drawing and reading books that interest you. You imagine writing and doing the animations for a children’s book but haven’t given it serious thought for several reasons.
Reason #1 I have a young family now that depends on my income for support. Making a change now might be risky and jeopardize our financial stability.
Reason #2 You’ve always been told by others that becoming an artist or author is very hard to do and that most artists struggle and it’s hard to earn a living as one. Or maybe your partner is cautioning you or not supportive of your idea.
Reason #3 Now is not a good time to be making any changes. This is the risk aversion thought where you can’t “rock the boat” or it may capsize. So you need to steer the course.
Reason #4 I don’t know enough or have the resources available to me to attempt to make the change I desire.
Reason #4 This is the saddest one in my mind. It is that you don’t believe in yourself and your abilities. Self doubt and low self esteem can sink any dream before it even gets started.
There most likely may be other fears or reasons for inaction and that is understandable. However once you wrestle with all the options, fears and potential for action you are then faced with a decision. To take action in a chosen direction or remain in your current position. We are faced with these sorts of decisions multiple times in our lives and it’s not easy to decide on a course of action. Whether to pursue your dream or remain in your current position whichever you choose, life goes on. There sometimes is no “right” decision and whichever you choose, the decision to remain on your current path or transition in a new direction will be difficult.
Lifequakes
Life transitions can be difficult and happen throughout the life cycle. When transitions happen in an anticipated way like graduating from high school or retiring from a job it can be a period of adjustment. But when the changes we face are outside of the normal flow of life and happen suddenly it can be extremely difficult to navigate. These jarring events which Bruce Feiler, author of the excellent new book, Life Is In the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age, describes these occasions as “lifequakes”. You can find his book here:
https://www.amazon.com/Life-Transitions-Mastering-Change-Any/dp/1594206821
Lifequakes are those moments in one's life where your world is turned upside down. Where the trajectory of where you thought you were headed becomes either more difficult or impossible and where adaptation and struggle to find your path forward can be challenging. We tend to think of life moving along in a linear fashion from birth to death with various markers like graduation, marriage, starting a family and retirement all happen in some kind of orderly fashion.
In Bruce’s book he interviews hundreds of individuals and informs us that very few of us have lives like that. In fact the majority of us have numerous “lifequakes” throughout our lives. Those that navigate them fairly well are individuals who don’t struggle with and lament their altered life but learn to accept and adapt to the challenges presented. An example of one of these lifequakes might look like the following: Imagine for a moment that you are a 17 year old competitive swimmer who has been training and sacrificing their whole life for your dream and a chance to make the Olympic team. You head to a party with your friends one Friday night and are involved in a terrible car accident. You survive that accident but your injuries take away any chance that you’ll be able to continue swimming competitively.
This Olympic hopeful who has been on this trajectory, laser focused in their quest now is faced with both the grief of having to let go of their dream as well as how to figure out their life moving forward. This is a pretty big quake and it might take this person quite a bit of time before they can reimagine and begin to rebuild their life. Sadly many of us faced with these situations find ourselves wallowing in self pity, anger and frustration and avoiding facing their new reality by struggling, distracting and resisting the change needed to move forward.
We all experience these quakes big and small throughout our lives. If we can accept that life is not linear and when challenges present themselves into our lives we remember that we have resilience and learn to accept and adapt in order to find a new path forward.
Get out of your head
Have you ever found yourself driving down the freeway and all of a sudden you realize that you’ve been driving for some time and weren’t even aware that you were driving. You were so into your thoughts that you barely were conscious of what was going on around you. Kinda scary when it happens. I can remember long commutes I used to have years ago when this would occasionally happen. If you’ve experienced this phenomena yourself then you know how unsettling that can be. It’s almost like you are on automatic pilot.
Our minds are amazing in that they are always analyzing situations, calculating possible outcomes and basically occupying our thoughts with a multitude of questions, concerns and other things that tend to distract us from the present moment. We can no more control our thoughts then we can control our emotions.
In this technological, multitasking society we live in where we’re always checking our phones, responding to texts and emails and being distracted in a hundred ways it’s no wonder that we seldom feel present. I would venture to say that most of us are in our heads 70-80% of our waking days. Thinking about what happened yesterday and worrying about what might happen tomorrow. And when we are in this state we often miss what’s happening in the here and now. Maybe we don’t fully “miss” but we certainly aren’t fully present.
Is there a cost to this way of being? Well in that prior example of driving the cost could be tragic if you needed to respond quickly to a change in the driving conditions. But even in a less dramatic way, being preoccupied by our thoughts robs us of our ability to be fully present for ourselves and others. I want to give you another scenario to think about…
You come home after a day at work and you are thinking about the events of your day. That discussion you might have had with your boss that has you on edge or that thing your co-worker said that didn’t sit right with you. As you walk in the door you barely notice the dog as it happily greets you and you stroll into the kitchen to grab something from the refrigerator. Your partner is at the sink cleaning up a few dishes and you turn and say something like, “work was crazy today”. Your partner is absorbed in their own thoughts and continues to put away the last dishes while you continue droning on about the tough day you had not even noticing the subtle vibe your partner is giving off. As you close the refrigerator and turn to continue with your description of your day you notice your partner turning to leave the kitchen and remark, “what’s wrong with you?” in an accusatory tone.
What’s happening here? Both partners are deep in their respective thoughts and barely notice or are available to meet the other. So when we are “in our heads” we are not present for others. Being present is the most precious gift we can give to others. It says you are important and I am fully here for you. What other ways is getting out of your head important?
When we are wrapped up in our thoughts and or emotions sometimes we react impulsively and maybe not in the best interest of ourselves or others. Learning to quiet our mind gives us the ability to momentarily step back from ourselves in a sort of objective stance and gives us a chance to contemplate our best action moving forward. It improves our communication and connection with others. Developing a mindful practice is worth pursuing and I encourage everyone to find time in their day to practice being present. I’ve added some good links for those wishing to explore this topic further.
https://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/
D.O.U.B.T.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the concept of doubt. A common definition of the word is: “a general feeling of uncertainty, worry, or concern”. There are many times in our life when doubt can prevent us from taking action and leave us feeling stuck with no direction forward.
This is especially true when the changes we are contemplating making may have a huge impact on ourselves, our family and the future direction of our lives. Changing out a light bulb is obviously easier than trying to decide on beginning a new career track or starting a family.
So how do we avoid becoming paralized by worry and uncertainty?
While lying in bed this morning I was thinking about this and thought maybe it would be helpful to have some sort of reminder to help us when we are feeling uncertain and I came up with the following acronym.
D= don’t let your thoughts prevent you from taking action.
O= obtain additional information or resources to better prepare yourself.
U= utilize the assistance of others more experienced when available.
B= believe in your ability to persevere despite the challenges.
T= trust in your resilience and don’t give up.Not perfect but I think it covers most of the basics that may help you to move past doubt and uncertainty and begin moving in the direction of your desired goals.
Thanks for listening and feel free to share with others.
How would you live your life if you had unlimited confidence?
When we think about making changes in our life sometimes we can be overcome with doubt and uncertainty. We might try and predict every possible scenario for what might go wrong. The future is not something we can count on with certainty and if your mind is filled with fear and doubt it can make it difficult to take action. Sometimes we get caught up with what I call the “what ifs”.
Now imagine if you had all the confidence in the world, how might that change your attitude? You still might take the time to forecast and plan for your actions but you’d do it with assuredness that no matter what unforeseen obstacles that occur you’ll be able to deal with them. Now of course being overconfident could be problematic if you do not have the requisite skills or experience for the task at hand. But let’s put that aside if we can for a moment.
So what is confidence and how do we develop it? Confidence comes from having a history of attempting new and or difficult tasks and mastering them despite experiencing failures along the way. Think back to when you learned to ride a bike, swim or play an instrument. It wasn’t easy, I still have scars on my knee from falling onto gravel as a young boy learning to ride a bike. It was the desire to learn a skill and the fortitude to stick to it despite frustration and occasional pain that teaches us about perseverance and how resilient we are.
Failure is not something to be feared but seen as an opportunity for growth and learning. This is how confidence is built. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that confidence is also fostered by early caretakers and important people in your life. But in terms of and especially if you didn’t have that supportive early environment you can still build confidence by remembering all the times in your life where you overcame obstacles in your life.
Focus on your resiliency, welcome challenges as an opportunity for growth and give no heed to the fears and doubts racing through your head.
The way forward…
Understanding your past is enlightening, learning to be in the present is important but taking action in shaping your future is vital.
In therapy as in life, reflecting on where you've been and the challenges you have overcome can provide you with insight as to the why and how of where you are now. However insight alone for many is not sufficient in order to deal with things that are difficult to manage in their lives today.
==
This is where developing a mindfulness practice to become more aware of the present moment is so important. By developing a "here and now" mentality it can provide you with heightened awareness of your thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations. With this focus it affords you the ability to observe these sensations and become more thoughtful as to how or if you choose to respond.
==
Lastly and more importantly, once you have gained insight and begun practicing a mindful attitude now it is vitally important to take action in line with what is important to you. Living in line with your values will help steer you in the direction forward.
Practicing mindfulness
It all begins with an idea.
can help create change in your life.
If you are not aware of the why of your behaviors and keep doing the same thing you will most likely remain in the same place. For those who are content with where they are in life that can be ok for the moment. But things change both internally and externally in our lives and we often have little or no warning when these things occur. What is required in these moments is the ability to adapt and change.
What is adaptation and what are the skills required to navigate life changes? Adaptation is an evolutionary term and is defined as: a heritable physical or behavioral trait that serves a specific function and improves an organism's fitness or survival. We needed to adapt in order to survive as a species. Those that could adapt survived and those that didn't passed away.
So what are the skills inherent in adaptation? Well for one, we need to be aware that a situation requires change. Awareness is a vital part of adaptation. Awareness is defined as : knowledge and understanding that something is happening or exists. This is where a mindfulness practice can be of benefit. The practice of maintaining a nonjudgmental state of heightened or complete awareness of one's thoughts, emotions, or experiences on a moment-to-moment basis provides us with that awareness.
So how does being aware of the present moment have anything to do with adaptation and change? Remember when I said that one of the most important parts of change or adaptation is the awareness that something is happening within us or externally that needs to be addressed. If we aren't aware that there is a need for change then it's most likely we will not take an active role in shaping that change. Change may or may not occur but it may happen outside of our awareness and we may end up responding in a reactionary way rather than a thoughtful or meaningful way.
The world we live in today is a lot different than the one we lived in just 20 years ago. A lot has changed and there are more demands for our attention. We live in a technological society where we are bombarded with information 24/7. Whether it's from social media, our phones, texts and or emails our minds are constantly being inundated with information and demand for our attention. And then there is our normal work, schooling and family lives that also require our focus. Most of us in our daily lives are maybe 70% "in our heads".
When we are processing all this information and taking care of all the demands on our time we can lose touch with what is truly important to us and react in ways that may not benefit ourselves and our relationships. Being mindful helps us to make better, more informed decisions and move in the direction of what we truly value and want in our lives.
So along with developing awareness, what other benefits come from being in the moment? Well for one we can't change what happened yesterday and we certainly don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. The only place from which we can take action is the present moment. Imagine this relatable scenario: You've had a hard day at work or at home taking care of children and your partner who also may have had a difficult day appears at home and seems to be in a bad mood. They are still processing their day (the past) and barely acknowledge you as they walk in the door. Now if you are even remotely aware of the present moment you might notice this and respond with a simple question "what's wrong". They might reply, "just one of those days” and sulks off instead of sharing more. At this point you're both feeling overwhelmed with your day and now there's additional tension and distance between the two of you at a time when you both could use a hug or at least some time to offer support to one another. It's not that we don't think about and process our days, it's that sometimes we carry these thoughts and feelings with us into the present moment and it negatively impacts our relationships.
Being present focused puts us more in touch with our thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations. It affords us the ability to observe without judgement and with this clarity to respond to life's challenges more in line with our values. In that previous scenario, how much different that interaction between the couple might have been if they both valued their relationship and were present focused.
Ok so this mindfulness thing, how do we do it? Mindfulness is a practice, something we need to work at to cultivate. You can practice mindfulness through meditation. No you don't need to cross your legs, chant or burn incense. Mindful meditation is a "simple" as finding a place where you will be undisturbed and sitting in a comfortable position with eyes closed or focusing on a spot in your field of vision and taking slow deep breaths. As we talked about earlier, our minds are very active and will be feeding you all sorts of thoughts like, "this is silly, why am I sitting here or I should be starting dinner or taking the dog for a walk", whatever thoughts come to you, gently acknowledge them and go back to focusing on your breathing. Each time your mind pulls you away you let it be and return to the breath. After some time you will find you are in a very relaxed (the purpose of mindfulness is not relaxation but is often a byproduct of this practice) space and more in touch with the moment.
Mindfulness can also be something you practice in your daily activities whether showering in the morning and focusing on the water as it washes over your shoulders or the smell of the shampoo as you massage it into your scalp. There are many opportunities in your day when you can appreciate / get in touch with the present moment like enjoying the warmth of the sun or the sounds of the birds or the smell of a flower. When we get caught up and struggle with our thoughts and emotions it takes us out of the here and now and colors how we respond to things we attempt to do and those we choose to interact with. We become reactionary instead of thoughtful and aware of the best way of responding. Whereas being mindful and present focused aligns us more with what's important to us and closer with those we care about.
Thanks for listening and please share your thoughts and comment...